July 31, 2009

20 Things I (And You Will) Know About Me

A while ago I decided that when my follower's list hits the cute number 20 I'd give out some more information about myself. Nothing too much, because not knowing everything makes it more interesting sometimes. So, here are twenty things about me as an individual being...just a few new hints:

♥ I'm an only child.
♥ I grew up without a father figure.
♥ My heart was broken twice, one time real hard but all is good now.
♥ I believe I lived in the 1930s and 40s (I know crazy!).
♥ My great-grandfather worked with Einstein.
♥ Coffee runs through my veins.
♥ Home to me is where I grew up, have passports from, and feel most likely like ME; ... Switzerland, Turkey, and southern California. In no particular order.
♥ I love anything with coconut in it: soup, desserts, shampoos, body lotion, nail polish (yes it exists), lip gloss, etc etc
♥ I am one of those people that simply dislikes chocolate (in any kind of form).
♥ Anything spicy is heaven for me. When I cry it's real good. Anything without a cry is just simply not hot (or good) enough!!!
♥ I'm a big city lover. So much more fun. So much to do and see. You won't get bored.
♥ My favorite ice cream flavors are vanilla, green tea and visne (sour cherry though from Turkey!)
♥ My favorite cities/areas are San Francisco, Los Angeles (going more north to SB), Philly, Istanbul, Berlin and of course Luzern.
♥ I pop my knuckles. Bad I know but I can't seem to stop that habit.
♥ Boredom is my best friend and also my worst enemy.
♥ I own at least about 20 pairs of flip flops. I wonder why. Must love them.
♥ Red roses are NOT my favorites, actually I don't like red flowers in general.
♥ Balloons aren't my thing.
♥ I swear. I admit it. Sometimes too much. I'm not proud of it but it's what it is. Sorry.
♥ No matter how old I am I decided to stay 24 forever. This may change but 24 is a good number!! ;-)

Hope you are having a great Friday.
Tomorrow, August 1st, is our national holiday over here. Not looking forward to it. You may wonder why. I am a patriot but for some reason I don't need to blow things up or ruin lives or demonstrate. It's supposed to be party time or at least time for some festivities but for once I have to work (yes, it sucks but that is my current life), and second, I don't think I'd be in the mood for any fun stuff right now. I feel blue. Yes, the summer misery is still in full bloom, but it's not that. I think stress sort of worked its way towards my stomach and it's been a real blast having stress and my stomach collide all the time. Needless to say, I feel sick. Hmmm.... vacation needed? Again?? I wish!!!!

Happy early weekend!

July 30, 2009

Letting it dry

It's 80 degrees right now and it looks like as if it's going to rain. I love overcast skies and warm air at the same time. Some people think it's sad because the sun's not shining but we all know, or now should know, that even though we don't see the sun the sun's still there in all her strong glory. Maybe even stronger than we think.
I'm also letting my suitcases dry. Why?! Flooding occurred in our basements and everything's pretty much ruined. However, the suitcases and a couple of other nicely stacked things were not damaged. They just need to be dried. The whole basement smells awful and I wonder what fresh scent could get rid of this gross odor. Can't come up with one. They all seem to be too weak.

Saving money has been fun so far. I don't go out anymore, or not as often. Plus, I get to read more and sit back and do pretty much nothing but indulge in my own little misery. Ok, the latter part is not a lot of fun I admit. However, it's shown me truth, and it's taught me things so far I'm sure I'll be using in the near future. With that said, I'd like to end today's blog entry with this:

...when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

I love quoting from books. To me it means that I'm actually reading a book and not just reading the lines but also reading in between the lines and see how it affects or can have an effect on my own life. Very inspirational. Truly needed. And do I have to mention where this quote came from??! I hope not. And if nothing comes to your mind go back and read some of my most recent entries...I know I mentioned the book!!!

Have a terrific day.

July 29, 2009

Chill. Read. Learn. Chill Some More.

About 434 new blog entries were waiting for me to be read. I'm down to 153 and it's been a crazy afternoon. I enjoyed it though. New ideas and inspiration occurred while reading wonderful blogs about life, love, happiness, culture, fashion and art. My eyes are sore but it was worth it - every single bit.
Oh, I went to work today...for sure. I came home early and decided to just sit back and enjoy the afternoon. It's 90 degrees outside and even though I love the heat I wanted to stay inside. Reading always inspired me, and as I mentioned in my earlier blog I get easily inspired by one particular book. Eat. Pray. Love. is just one of my favorites. I could read this over and over again. Love it. I'm so happy one of my best friends gave it to me. Love her for that. Thanks A. It's an amazing book and I'm sure it's guiding me towards the right path(s).

Not only do books inspire me but also such great pictures just like this one.
Do you see a common theme here?! Purple perhaps?! Yes. I just love the color purple. The book, the movie and definitely the color itself!

Picture credit goes to photobucket. As always. ;)

July 28, 2009


Another HOT day today.
I'm working from 6.30am and yes, I'm already awake.
Couldn't sleep so I decided to go online to post some more pictures of Barcelona...
...nothing in particular just random shots throughout the city.

The old port of Barcelona. This is the only picture I took which has the city's name on it.

Wonderfully colorful house called Casa Comalat. We almost missed it.

This is one of my favorite pictures. I love this building.
Unfortunately it was being renovated so we couldn't see much.
Though just from the outside and from across the street it looked amazing with those cute palm trees guarding this courthouse.

This was our little escape after a long and exhausting day filled with tons of shopping and sightseeing...mainly done at the same time! My feet still hurt from all the walking. No kidding.
Though enjoying a good glass of red wine or even whiskey made us relax.

Have a super Wednesday!
Mine will be short. Thank you. Going in early, and leaving early again.
At least that way I get to enjoy some of the sun and heat we're supposed to be having today.
Can't wait!!!

Changes (Thanks 3 Doors Down)

Today I started catching up on my blog-reading.
It's funny how something like this can become part of your life. Maybe not a crucial one but one that makes you start your computer and read daily stories and find inspiration. It's become routine to me. While I was away for a while I missed it. Not that I was bored. No! Though, the routine was broken and that somehow hurt. I'm glad to be back. Reading and writing has always inspired me. Doing what I love doing at this very moment makes today a good day.

Blogs I read today or caught up with (and I'm sure you are familiar with some of them):

Oh, Mishka

The English Muse , as always one of my top favorites even while she's gone


La Mia Vita

Girl With The Golden Touch

Pink Sass

Must Find Toes.

And yes, it seems as if my summer misery is still around.
I've had a blast in Spain, and a wonderful day yesterday shopping. I did get a couple of things (as if I wasn't shopping in Spain - my friend wondered why I even agreed on this shopping trip!), ate delicious lunch, had interesting girl talks, enjoyed the sun, and decided to start a new chapter in my life as of today. Baby steps but better tiny steps than no steps at all.

So, today, I started saving money again.

- First of all, I put away my credit and debit cards. I only use cash.
- My bills are paid, at least for right now so no worries there for the moment.
- I try to limit my movie sessions...not once a week, maybe only every other week. I'll save up to 15 to 20 bucks each time I don't go. It's a start.
- Shopping is done. No more spending money on something I don't need because I already have it hanging in my closet. The only thing I will and sort of must buy is a new dress for my friend's wedding. If everything fails I still have a dress available, and matching shoes. However, I would love to have a new dress, one that represents me today and doesn't show the me of 2004! Yes, that is how old that dress is (still in perfect shape and color though).
- I have a weekly budget of $50. If I don't spend that much I feel happier and luckier.
I think with this tiny plan I can and will save up money. And, have I ever mentioned I'm not driving and not owning a car?! YES, big plus on that one.

But not only did I start saving money today (main reason though I started it is that I spent too much while away last week and a lot yesterday. Enough!!!! I'm gonna use what I have and be creative.) I also continued reading the book I started before I left last week. It's truly inspiring. At least to me. It makes me wanna do everything the author did while trying to find herself. I for once have lost myself. Some of you are in the right spot, area, life, job, school, place...you name it. Some of you have what I call happiness. Happiness alone doesn't mean you are constantly happy and satisfied with what you've got. You are allowed to experience days that are off and grey. If you always feel that way and only see a wall around you but no door that slightly and slowly opens and that for years and not just a few weeks or months...then you are where I am. It's not always easy to understand, and I don't judge those that don't understand. I don't judge those that don't want to understand either. They found themselves. Where they are there is happiness (and again, that doesn't mean you are 100% happy). I found myself years ago. I was me. I was able to do and say things and it didn't matter what I said or did and I wasn't scared of saying or doing any of it. I was able to fully be me. I lost that part of me. Years ago. It's hard to understand but it's true. Finding yourself is a procedure, it's part of life. You can find yourself in your hometown, in another town, in another job, in another book, even just around the corner. For some it is easier for others it is not. I lost myself and therefore I decided to go find myself again. Wherever that may lead me. I'm not saying that I will be happy but all I'm saying is that I need to find myself again. The stronger people around me force me not to look for my inner self, the stronger and faster I'm gonna do this. Let me follow that path....
For more drama reading on my summer misery click here and maybe here.

Today is the day I started doing what I've been putting aside for weeks, months and years.
AND, besides my saving money and reading inspirational books I also decided to fly to my friend's wedding (as quickly mentioned above). She's getting married in two months and I'm going. No one is coming with me which makes me sad. However, my lovely friend M. is getting married on a Wednesday and it's not exactly a day people get married. And therefore, people can't really easily take off either. However, this won't stop me. It's my friend. She needs me. I need her. It's part of our life. If I don't go I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I'm sure you'd agree with me on this. Though, I better stop writing about it...I better book a flight to Istanbul NOW!!

Have a splendid day!

July 27, 2009

Picture time....

1) Sagrada Familia (THE church while visiting Barcelona; Gaudi's unfinished masterpiece)
2) Inside of Sagrada Familia
3) One of so many parts of Parc Güell
4) View from P. Güell
5) Arc de Triomf

Just a few pictures I took while exploring the city.
Pictures, no matter how beautifully taken, can never fully express the beauty of this city and capture the moments spent...it's worth a visit!!!!

July 26, 2009

Eat. Love. Shop. Or Something Like That.

BARCELONA was beyond awesome.

It's one gorgeous city, with a very Mediterranean flair, too many perfect looking people, cute little cafes and shops, eatable fish, tons of tourists, breathtakingly beautiful buildings and statues, amazing avenues, lots of greens, lots of old and new stuff, lots of everything you just want to see while browsing through this thriving metropolis. The past five days were just perfect!

The only drawback, and that is a given even before you book it, is the heat. While traveling in summer you just have to know it might get hotter than usual. And, as you may know, I love it when it's hot. I love heat. However, this particular heat we experienced was more than I and I'm sure my friend bargained for. No doubt it was great. I mean, who wants to visit a new city when it's bitter cold and rainy 24/7? I've done it once, and I hated the city. I'm sure I would have loved it if the weather would have been on our side and showed its warmer temps. So, going back to my little Barcelona talk...the weather was hotter than hot, though the daily rather strong wind was our blessing. Just one day, and just that day, the wind seemed to have gone some place else because it was frustratingly hot. We were lucky enough to have a tiny pool and sunbathing area on the rooftop of our hotel so we were privileged to go up and do the well-known siesta time up there. Needless to say we got tanned, real good. My belly looked at first like a tiny freshly squeezed tomato but now it's just gorgeously brown. I'm blessed. Besides the tanning procedures and the shopping we enjoyed walking through this big city and seeing so many building we almost lost track of where we were heading. I think my friend S. got a stiff neck just by looking up all the time and trying to capture everything. Of course that was impossible. You'd be crazy to capture everything because it is impossible. Not entirely but this city is so huge we were only able to capture some parts, and the rest we captured in our minds - hopefully forever.
One day, and I believe it was the windless day, I felt sick. However, I was a good sport trying to get better by sipping on a (yes!!) Starbucks coffee Frappuccino and trying to get better. Eventually I did. Not sure if it was the coffee itself or the break. However, that did not matter. We didn't get mugged, or tanked which are quite common let's call it situations while in Spain, and also in Barcelona. We had fun though. Spent some Euros while finding cute new outfits and such, and well...just enjoyed being in a new place.

There is so much more to say about Barcelona but words cannot fully express how beautiful and colorful the city shines. You got to explore it yourself and find out what the buzz is all about. All I can say is that I loved it and that I'll definitely return - just not in July...been there done that.

Photos will follow...I'm still exhausted. I'm guessing it's the endless walking we did this past week and my body needing a total rest and no stress.

I'm going shopping again tomorrow. Yes!!! I did buy things in Spain, but a girl can never have enough and who said I was going to spend money tomorrow...shopping can also be done in one's mind. At least I believe so...we'll see if I can stick to that tomorrow.

Have an absolutely great Sunday!!!!

July 25, 2009


I am back.
It was beyond perfect and incredibly hot...more to come later...
I am going to bed now. Just got home, and it's only a few minutes past midnight.
Everything hurts and still feels good. Totally exhausted. Can't even find proper words right now.

Good night!!!!

July 19, 2009


So my lovelies...I'll be gone for a short time.
Barcelona awaits me and I can't believe I'm actually leaving today.
In an hour I'll be picked up, we'll then drive to the airport, check-in and then slowly head to our gate. This trip will be just perfect...away from everything, and everyone...new territory to explore (even though we won't stay that long), summer feeling all day long...good cuisine, tons of art to look at throughout the entire city, and awesome boutiques to get lost in... Sounds perfect!!!

Have a wonderful week!!!

Barcelona...here I come.....

Sword - The Shiny Truth

Saturday was party day. At least I thought so. Oh yes, I did go, and I ended up drinking some brilliant white wine and even more astonishing tiny pieces of appetizers all handmade and all made by some genius. The birthday girl was having fun, got tons of birthday gifts all nicely wrapped up for her. People came, laughed, drank wine, or water or both, spoke about old times, told me that they remembered me when I was eight and how cute I looked in that yellow dress with those little white polka dots, asked me about my past, and (of course) my future, asked why I'm not married yet (hello? Was this an interrogation or what?), laughed some more and talked some more until I had it. No outburst...you wish! No way! Never ever! I didn't want to hear stories again. Not from strangers, not from people who know me but I don't have the slightest idea who they are. At one point I ended up going outside, standing amongst people I had never seen nor ever talked to, letting the sun shine onto my pale face and ponder. The air was fresh, right after a heavy storm. Dark clouds slowly disappeared and the sun peaked through. It was a perfect moment. It felt right. And all I could think was "what the hell am I doing here?" and "do I really belong here?". Thankfully mom was around so I wasn't completely alone but everyone seemed to know one another and I seemed not to belong. An awkward feeling. I'm not against talking, nor mingling, nor anything coming close to getting to know people but this party was different. I felt like a tourist not knowing where she is and what she's doing there holding her second (or was it her third) glass of wine. Language wasn't the problem. Main languages spoken were the local dialect and English. The latter mainly to comfort a girl (not me, if you thought so) so she wouldn't feel left out. Then, why did I feel I didn't belong?!

The day passed and I went back home. On my way home I continued reading my book. I take books everywhere. They are my companions when I'm alone which is most of the time. When I get bored I read. When I feel like it I read. When I'm alone I do tend to see the book as my friend. Plus, no matter what you read it's pure entertainment and a way to broaden your mind, and vocabulary. So, I'm reading the book and out of nowhere the author quotes and writes something I thought was worth sharing. She wrote:

... Virginia Woolf wrote: "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword." On one side of that sword there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous. ...

I read this, and I simply loved it.
I'm lucky I have my knack for some languages, some of my writing and the will not to let go and continue my search of happiness. Though the above mentioned paragraph made me think for the rest of the night. I chose the other side of the sword. I chose not to follow convention. And, yes, my life's confusion. Nothing is what it's supposed to be. It sure has brought interesting moments along its path (and I'm sure there are many more)...but as she said...it is already more perilous. I can hold on to my languages, my writing maybe but the confusion is there. I feel it. I know it.
As I said, reading a book, reading a friend, helps me broaden my mind. It sure did yesterday!

Book: EAT, PRAY, LOVE by Elizabeth Gilbert
Picture: Photobucket.com

July 17, 2009

Oh Happy Weekend

It's Friday again!
Time passes like nothing these days. I feel like the week just barely started and wow, is it really Friday again?! Crazy. Am not complaining. I for once can enjoy this weekend...nothing to do, just staying home, relaxing, watching TV, going out for some walks if the weather permits it (lately it's been kind of confusing with thunderstorms and lightning, bright and strong sunshine and then cool breezes again). I'm going to a birthday party tomorrow evening though. I just hope it's going to be fun. Don't know most of the people but the birthday girl I know for sure and that's why I'm going. Haven't been around people in so long.

As you all read I've had some rough times going lately. Nothing either seemed to go my way or make me happy. Yes, I need to take some action there to make myself happy because we are our own creators of our own happiness. No one does this for us. They might be little factors but in the end it's really us doing the work. I truly believe that this upcoming trip to Barcelona changes some things. Positively. A city so full of art, history, fun, and love can't be that bad, can it?! Plus, it's going to be something new and exciting. My summer misery has got to stop! NOW.

And yes, I'm working on getting happier...having now a couple of days off is going to be marvelous. Wish me luck on finding what I've been looking for and keeping it for a while, too.

Happy weekend.

July 14, 2009


Open up your mind and let something new in. Open your horizon and let me know you are interested in the world, in new things that enrich your life, in new adventures, in knowledge and wisdom. Please, don't tell me you don't care about something because you are not interested in it. Don't tell me you don't mind not knowing what the capitol of Italy is. Don't tell me you aren't interested in the world around you. Please just tell me you are open and positive enough about the world and don't mind getting to know new and maybe exciting things.
Knowledge is power and power is something we can be proud of. I'm not talking about superpowers or the kind of power that lead you to either unhappiness, despair or worse. Power that really influences your life positively, shows you that you are a good and intelligent person. That power is what I'm talking about. It's wonderful!!!

I had this tiny conversation yesterday at work and it was about simple stuff we should all know about. Like, what is the capitol of Italy. Or the US. Or what language is spoken in Spain or France. Simple stuff. Random things you should know or at least have a clue about. I'm not asking about what religion believes in whatever magic, or what was the name of Beethoven's mother or how come Freud talked about this or that (besides, who was Freud?), or chemical questions, or historical question. Although I think and hope that we all know that World War I and II occurred, etc (trust me, I know someone that doesn't!). Simple stuff. I don't want you to know every single street in your city by heart. I don't even know that. I know major streets and have a clue on where a specific street might be located. If I don't know I'll look it up. I'm not expecting you to know every single country and its capitol city, nor famous person or authors, or what or who Obama is. The latter was a total shock to me because it turned out I know two people who, even today do not know that it was a person, a who, rather than a what. In spite of him being the President of the U.S.

So, I asked someone (don't want to say what it was because it's way too hilarious and dumb not knowing it), and all I got as an answer was "Oh, I don't know. Why should I know this anyhow? I was never good at that. I don't really care actually. Not worth it. There are other people out there knowing it and that is enough. Not knowing it hasn't killed me yet." Excuse me?! Don't you wanna broaden your mind, challenge it every single day with new ideas, information and input and possible insight on life and the world so your brain is working and living and not dying right within you?! Again, I wasn't asking what or who Gaudi was but I'm pretty sure the answer would have been a new deodorant.

Am I asking too much?!
I'm sure there are things out there in the world I'm not aware of, and that I have no clue about. However, I won't say I don't care because I just don't and why should I. I'll probably look it up or at least get the main gist about it so I'm informed. I'd feel left out without that knowledge.
Knowledge, of whatever kind, is power to me. Whether or not I can use the information given or known I am happy I've learned something (new) or learned something that I can possibly use later.
I'm amazed that that person didn't care about her cluelessness. Is this even a word?! I think I do ask too much. But my question was just way too easy and shocked the living hell out of me when I received an answer that was not even close to the right one, nor had anything to do with what I asked. Bluntly, she told myself she was dumb and proud of it. I just smiled at her and said "Good so. Good to know you think you know enough and still don't know shit." With that, she looked at me and said (and sorry, I'm quoting her literal way) "Yes, exactly. I know enough and am happy and proud of that." Come again?!

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Open up your horizons and let the new world in.
Learn every single day something new...whether it is how to fold a letter properly so it fits into those tiny envelopes, or how to save things on your USB stick, or who Freud was or what Eusebi Guell did in Barcelona.

Picture credit: flickr.com MorBCN's photos are marvelous!

I Won't Disagree

I had a dream...not what you think now. Or maybe it is what you think. Probably another one of my silly dreams that makes no sense or makes only sense to me (heck, it was my dream after all). Or it's just one of those ridiculous illusions you get when you feel you've had enough. Maybe. Maybe not.


I was literally walking here...ok, maybe not exactly here but at least it sort of looks like what I saw in my dream. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with my wish to go back to some sort of beach and walk on sand and just feel freedom, maybe as wind brushing through my hands...who knows. All I know is that I saw myself walking on sand, going towards the water and then returning this way looking back and seeing what's on this picture. Weird and nice at the same time.

Do you believe in dreams?
Do they mean anything to you?

To me, dreams are illusions and possible events in the future and even in the past. They tell a story. Our mind is constantly working even though we believe we put it to rest for a while but it constantly moves and engages itself in some action...and I believe dreaming is one big adventure for our brain. Mine went nuts last night. Granted, it was a nice dream. At least I wasn't running away from anyone, nor falling down, nor crying or whatever...
Thanks to a friend of mine I learned about a dream website. It's an online guide to dream interpretation. You can discuss this topic for hours, heck years, and still end up puzzled. Some believe in whatever dreams try to tell us, others don't. Some say, Jung and Freud were geniuses and others may so holy disagree with any of what they claimed in their lifetimes that this whole topic could go on forever. It intrigues me, I have to admit. But I digress...as usual.

Looking up what "Beach" meant in my dream or what it possibly could mean was this:

To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.
To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean, indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. Consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding, etc.
To dream that you are looking toward the beach, suggests that you are returning to what is
familiar to you. Alternatively, you may be adapting or accepting to the changes and
circumstances in your life.

All from www.dreammoods.com

This got me thinking...my unconscious "talked" to me...or didn't. Or did I really just make it all up and believe in a dream that didn't even exist. The interpretation is quite astounding. All so very true. Not to 100% but close enough for me to believe in dreams, or in their interpretations. The website I used might not be fully accurate and you could argue about so many things, but psychology and everything else affiliated with this psyche of ours etc etc is a broad and intense subject. One I love. However, reading what "beach" meant and knowing what I saw in my dream made me think - a lot. Is this another sign?! Do I really still believe in signs?! What should I believe in?! As for my dream and its possible signs...I won't disagree...on any of it. At least for today.

Have a terrific day!

July 12, 2009

Sunday, Monday...Tuesday?!

Good morning!

Sunday was a tough day. I felt as if nothing really wanted to be alright. I stayed home. I think it was the best thing I could do given how I felt. As if I was hit by whatever everything hurt. My toe (I hit it in late March right before I flew back to California, and it took forever to get it healed and back to its normal shape and color) hurt like crazy. I didn't hit it anywhere, nor was I was using it or doing something to it. I was standing folding laundry and there it was, an aching pain like as if someone used needles to remind me how painful it was back in March. I had to sit down. Couldn't move anymore and therefore, my huge pile of laundry is still waiting to be folded and put away. Besides my toe, my neck was the second bad thing trying to ruin my Sunday. I couldn't move my neck for a while. A wonderfully painful headache came crawling in around 1pm, and yes, my stomach told me it was upset. I did manage to do some laundry (at least that) and write a letter. Oh yes, I'm almost done reading a book, too. I also tried to take naps but failed. My suitcase for my upcoming trip is also ready to be filled (won't fill it up though; shopping is a must while in Spain) but the main thing I wanted to do on Sunday, namely relax, was practically impossible.
Is this a sign that I'm getting older?!
If so, can it please stop and just go back to earlier?!
If not, what the hell is this?!
Maybe it's my body telling me to slow down, keep it real and relax a lot. It's a sign telling me it's time to move and start new. Stress, emotional stress, triggers a lot and I believe it's literally eating me...or at least it just started to. I can't seem to get rid of it. I'm surrounded by it. I've tried several things to ease all that and to at least calm down a bit but it won't let me. Wherever I go and whatever I do around here reminds me of work and that means reliving whatever happened so far. I can't let go. I wanna let go, and I could but my mind still focuses on that job of mine and it wants me to know it.

It's Monday, and all I know is at 3pm I'm being picked up.
We're trying to go to the IMAX theater and watch a movie. After that, dinner someplace nice where we can catch up on whatever happened over the past few weeks, well even months. My very young friend is pure life inspiration to me. She's barely 18 and so mature for her age. She's also still naive which makes her so special. I love her for that. She's what she is and she's living life as if nothing really mattered. She's going to finish high school soon and then hopefully emerge into this world with open arms and an open mind. She looks up to me which scares me. I'm a mess at times. Sometimes I'm standing with both feet on the ground knowing what I want, sometimes I'm absolutely lost. I dream a lot and maybe it's just all that, the whole combination of it all, that fascinates her. Plus, she's got no older sister. Maybe I am hers. Maybe she's my younger sister. Who knows. At least, I'm going to have a wonderful afternoon and evening today!

Tuesday?! We'll see what's going to happen...all I know is that work starts at 6.30am...already dreading it. That's so not good. Shouldn't work be fun?! I mean at least something we don't dread every single day?! I believe it should. A sign...again! Or a statement...

July 11, 2009


Time to relax, finish reading at least one book, watch entertaining TV shows and fun movies, pack my suitcase so it's done, do some laundry, do some more cleaning in the house, write a letter to my friend, sleep in and just literally find some quiet time and peace.

A lot to look forward to...it's Saturday and past noon, and work starts in about two hours. Not looking forward to it but it's work. There are so many out there not having a job, not even earning enough money to even buy bread or milk. I'm thankful for what I have at this very moment. I put my complaints aside and cherish what I have and what I can call my own.

I spoiled myself yesterday and today by buying some beauty things. Nothing in particular. Will tell you more once I learn how to use it all and how much it actually changes me. It's supposed to. So, we'll see. I bought two things in a store yesterday, one was necessary, the other one not so much but I've already used it and so far it's done no harm to my skin. At least that. Can't complain. The thing I bought today will be delivered in about two weeks. Maybe it arrives while I'm spoiling myself in sunny and colorful Barcelona or right after I get back. Either way I'm excited. I'd wanted to buy it for years now and was never able to. Now I am and didn't hesitate a bit. I'm so excited.

Happy weekend everyone!

For one day I am the girl again in the picture...
...full of life, full of passion and excitement!

July 10, 2009

Look What You've Done

Daily inspiration is needed. At least for me.
If possible I'd like to get started by really having a fabulous day, with or without sunshine and a clear sky. It just has to be a good day. Nothing should go wrong or the day just feels weird. Today was such a good day. Well, it could have been better but I have to say it was an okay day. Everything pretty much went smoothly. I like it that way. No emergencies, no outbursts, no arguments, friendly people all around, a good coffee break and chat after work (thanks M.) and support from people I wasn't expecting any.

As you may have noticed my summer's been just a tiny bit off. Needless to say I need big change and new challenges in life so whatever that may be will enrich my life, possibly lift it up and just make it a happy one. We are our own creators of whatever we want to have in life and when we want to live a happy life we should be able to create one. Honest truth, I'm working on it. I really am. Support today came from two very different people though.
One was a regular customer. She noticed my knack for languages and the fact that I can easily switch between two languages as if it was nothing. Last time she saw me was years ago. We started talking about languages, the future and my plans and all. She noticed I felt more comfortable years ago and now I just seemed out-of-place. My wish to go back to school and start something new, maybe even away from everything over here was something she could identify with. She said I should do whatever I feel like doing. I should go for whatever I have in mind regardless of consequences and friends and family telling me it's a bad idea. After all it's my life and even if that idea of mine didn't turn out or wasn't what I had in mind I would always be able to go back home. She would do it in a heartbeat if she were me. I felt relieved. I mean, she's known me for some time or basically heard millions of stories about me I'm sure, but she just literally met me today (talking can bring people together) and hearing something like that from her, from a stranger really (because I don't get too personal with customers, really), was what I needed.
The second person was my friend in Philadelphia. I got her insight and view on my little summer misery in an e-mail. We have a lot in common, sometimes too much, but in the end we understand each other and know what the other one might go through. I have to add that she moved to Philly about three years ago and ever since has loved it there. Her southern accent is almost gone, too. By the way I love Philadelphia, too. But I digress. Knowing what it means to leave family and friends and move to a completely new area with very different views on pretty much everything, and starting something new is something she can identify with to 250%. She knows what it means to say good-bye to family and friends, and not be able to see them every single day. She knows that it's always hard to be a stranger in a new city. However, what she told me is to think of my current place as a temporary place. It sure sounds like it. Just pack your bags like I did were her words. It won't hurt that much. It'll be hard but also great. Thanks A., I think I needed to hear this.

To some of you this might be nothing and you would need a lot more to get going, but knowing that two so very different people support me on this idea is pure inspiration. One I so desperately needed. I'm still going through my weird phase but I guess this is part of life. Without such daily downs, we wouldn't grow up...growing up doesn't stop when you turn 18 or 21 or finish college. It's a constant. It's what defines us. So, even though I don't like where I am at the moment (with all my negative thoughts) I know there's a reason why I feel this way. Good times are definitely around the corner somewhere.

With this positive thought in mind...Barcelona is just around the corner!!!
Ten more days and my friend S. and I are going to have a blast in Europe's most colorful city.
My Euros, passport, and creative mind are ready... are you?!

July 9, 2009


My shopping day was a success. I didn't get all I wanted. As mentioned in my earlier blog entry I knew that I wouldn't get everything and basically end up with something I don't really need. As predicted I ended up with two (and thankfully not three) new books. I got a 20% discount on each book by presenting my bookstore card which had never happened before. I was thrilled. And, I got a couple of tops or blouses, and well...that is it. However, I think the day was a success. Lunch was beyond delicious, and our waiter was just so very perfect (besides his good looks), the weather was a bit off with gusty winds and some rain showers from time to time but other than that the day was great!!!! Kudos to that shopping idea!

Today was a regular day filled with work, computer problems, annoying stuff to deal with and well, my not-so-liked co-worker's return. So far so good. I found out, thanks to our lovely and cute computer guy Mr B., that our little ridiculously annoying computer problem was caused by some unnecessary software installation. The only person that does such things is that particular co-worker. I do touch computers and do update but I don't install stuff just because I think it's important and a must-have. I do install it when I'm asked to by an expert and she's far away from being one. It's not the first time and I just knew when Mr B. told me that a weird installation was done on our main computer that it was she that did it. Oh, how grammatically correct of me, or should I say I?! Either way, everything's solved now and our problems are gone. As I said...so far so good...you never know what happens and what crazy idea she comes up with next. Until then my motto/theme is SMILE.

I loved this song while watching My Girl 2, and since Tuesday I can't get it out of my head.

...an unforgettable song, no matter who sings it.

July 7, 2009

The Shopping List

So, today is a day I've been looking forward to for so long.
I'm going shopping!
Haven't done this in a while. Last time I went shopping was in April and in Los Angeles. It's about time I go out again. I don't want to be stuck, although, as read and mentioned before I feel as if I am trapped somehow. Either way, I marked this day down and mom and I are going shopping. She's my companion for today. She wanted to be. No force was necessary. I call it my frustration-shopping day. Some may be alarmed when the words frustration and shopping are combined but I won't overdo it. Can't anyway, things over here are way too expensive.
I've tried to come up with a list of things I want to buy, or need, or need to have for some unknown reason:

♥ casual blouse(s)
♥ summer dress
♥ new pair of cute sandals
♥ summer/fall make-up...
♥ new purse
♥ some funky decoration stuff
♥ summer/fall jacket
♥ new jewelry (my birthday gift to myself)
♥ dessert, only from one store

I am very positive about the fact that I won't get any of the above mentioned, but it's definitely worth the shot. I'm guessing I'm going to end up with a new blouse maybe and a couple of other tops but won't find the dress, the sandals, the purse nor the jewelry. It's always like that. Once you've got a plan or a list of things to do or buy you end up not buying or doing any of it. So, why bother writing it all down or even thinking about it all? I'm also sure that even though I try to avoid walking by my favorite bookstore I end up buying at least three new books. I just have that feeling. Has happened before and I'm sure I can't resist jumping into that store and leaving with a heavy plastic bag filled with enlightening literature.

My inspiration for today ... these pictures may bring luck...

and also ...



Just having read what I wrote earlier. My sadness is horrible. My urge to new things grows each day and even though I claim that writing always helps (have to say it sure did while I was writing my last entry), it also lets you all in and see how I feel. Not so sure if this is a good thing. Not so sure at all if writing is the answer either. Either way I'm going to continue my search of happiness. My world's crazy enough. Haven't fully decided whether or not I should attend my friend's wedding. I know I know, I so should. It's my friend's wedding and I'm sure you'd slap me if you were standing next to me now. It's just that I don't like going alone to weddings, and that specific wedding is in another country, too. It's going to be a blast, I'm so positive about this. However, it's a totally different country with very different values and views on pretty much everything (although the part I'll be living in is so westernized and let's call it Americanized it's scarily funny). I just don't know. There I go again. Why do I hesitate? Why is it that every time I can take my own hand and pull me towards new and exciting things I suddenly stop and second guess myself?!

Stay tuned and you'll learn more about my future trips (Barcelona is just about ten days away!), my so-called summer misery and crazy life...July only started and I'm sure it's going to be an interesting month.

Shopping tomorrow!!!! Can't wait.
Time for me to start tomorrow with a good cup of freshly brewed coffee (Starbucks here I come), a fun trip on the train, and an even funnier day spending money on clothes, new jewelry, and make-up!!!! A new purse would be awesome, too. We'll see...and while I'm doing all that, I'm trying to stay positive, smile at every nice-looking person, and enjoy the moment!!!
Wish me luck!!!!

It's Beginning To Get To Me

At my age I'm supposed to have my shit together but apparently it seems as if every day makes my current situation worse, and definitely not better or easier. Granted, I never heard anyone say life's easy or that it gets easier but at least I was hoping to be able to say "hey, I know what I want and how I want it and I can go for it and don't worry about anything or anyone!". I'm so far away from even thinking this way it scares me. I mean, I do have a job (at least for now) and well, that is about it. Something else besides constantly going back and forth from work and home has to be around the corner. It just has. That's no life. It's a total mess and a lie. Life's not supposed to be this dull and empty. It's not supposed to be pink and happy all the time either but at least something has to be there to look forward to. Something that enriches every single future second that comes along. Just something funny, something good, something new, something special, something just perfect at my age. Where the hell is that?!

What am I doing wrong?! Am I nuts?! Am I actually failing life?! Or is life failing me?! What's wrong with me and the world around me?! Who are you, telling me I suck or that I could do more with my life?! I know THAT, I'm not stupid. You are stupid! Shut up!! Crap! I hate everything and everyone. Stop telling me what to do and what not to do. Stop it! Don't call me that. Why aren't you calling back?! Why is it that everyone simply hates me?! I hate myself. I hate you, too. I hate this life. I just dislike being alone. I'm old enough. Why aren't you listening to me? Why is everyone against me?! Why now? Why again? Why not later?!!! ... ... ...

I thought I left puberty a long time ago. I thought that this part was over but I learned that this never fully ends. No matter how old you are you constantly search for something in life. Whether it is Mr Right or Mrs Right, or a better job, a bigger house, a greater car, a much better fitting pair of jeans, or a reasonably priced restaurant...you are looking for something else in life that makes it either easier, better, nicer or "all of the above". At my age I thought I'd be far away from where I am at the moment. I feel like this teenage girl not knowing what comes next and not having a clue what to do with her life. What happened to me?! Where's my spirit?! How did I ever lose it? Or did it actually leave me?
My summer misery has started a long time ago. It just hit me a month ago - right in my face. It could be part of my quarter-life crisis too but I just call it summer misery. Sounds more dramatic. I'm not a drama queen, maybe a drama princess but which girl isn't that sometimes. It just seems that I'm going nowhere. I'm stuck. Literally. I can't seem to find my way out of this whole non-existing momentum I'm dwelling in. And my so-called spirit I used to have is gone. Can't remember last time I was happy, I mean REALLY happy...no worries, no bad thoughts, no problems, no health problems (has increased in the last year and I truly, madly and deeply believe it's work and this awful life of mine that make me sick), no friendship dramas, no family drama, no whatever problems....just normal life with its occasional ups and downs (again, I'm not saying life's always happy and cheerful and pink)...but it can't be all the time this bad and sad. Granted, I'm complaining here and contemplating on how to create a happier world around me whereas others in the world can't even afford a laptop and Internet connection (and I am an owner of both). But besides the fact that I am sort of healthy and yes, have the necessary funds to buy myself writing equipment and access to the WorldWideWeb I simply have a blank mind. My future lies ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. We're supposed to cherish what we have and follow our dreams, and live every new day as it was our last. Why can't I do this?! What blockage is this? What am I afraid of?! Who knew I could end up like this! I sure didn't. I'm sure we all feel this way at some point in our lives. I thought it was mainly during high school or right after. I felt this way then. Yes, I did. Why is this now all coming back? Has it ever escaped, or has it always been lingering and waiting for the right (or wrong) moment to appear again?!

Oh, I do have dreams and believe me or not I even started making these dreams come true. I sure did. It felt good, better than words can ever describe. And then, I lost it. I lost my dream. My goal had a hole and then it all just vanished. The dream is still there, I can feel it. I feel it every day. It hurts, too. It's something you can't really put into words but know it exists. Like love. You know it's there and you feel it but can't describe how it feels like and how it looks like. At least not to hundred percent. The same goes for my dream, halfway accomplished and clueless what the future outcome looks like. I'm wholly disappointed in myself. I shouldn't be. What I've done and seen so far is maybe more than other people ever can and will do but it's not enough for me. Selfish maybe but it's my life after all. Not theirs, not yours either. I want to live my life as much as possible, fulfill all the requirements needed to make my life a happy one and make my summer misery go away. It's truly beginning to get to me that I need to jump over my damn shadow and work on all that. I believe I'm just too scared to start with whatever that may be and then hurt people, including me. What I don't see is the outcome, the beautiful outcome. The bright future. I see nothing. That is the sad part. I used to have this spirit that would bring me to places and let me do things I would have only dreamed about and would never ever thought to become true. I'm proud of what I've done and knowing this makes me a slight bit happier though. A good start. Don't you think?!

Besides all these very odd thoughts, unfinished dreams, and sad moments in my current life, this misery of mine got thicker by having had problems at work. Just thinking about it makes me sad. I shouldn't run from it, but I see no other way out. I'm not running away because I'm sick and tired of debating and arguing over ridiculous and banal stuff, but because it's time. I feel it is. Many may disagree with me on this but I believe it's time for me to kick some ass. Not in a literal way, though. Although it would be fun to do this. Just kidding. Can't afford stuff like that. Don't want to do that. It's so not worth it. However, I just know it's time. I want to end this misery. I need and must end it. I started building tiny bricks for me to escape this constant sadness. I started last year by booking a flight to the East Coast and this January I started my future with this trip and made one big dream of mine come true. I pride myself on this! More kick ass actions are needed. More running away is needed, too. It's time. I feel it. It just has to be. I know there are people out there disagreeing as I'm writing this but I just have to go with what I think is best. This, whatever you wanna call it, has to stop and has to change - soon.

AND, since I don't want to be this sad and conflicted at the moment I have to say I'm going to have a wonderful day tomorrow...another day off during the week and time for me to leave this city and head towards the north. Mom and I are going shopping. I call it frustration shopping but it's going to be fun. My wallet might not like it that much though. However, an occasional splurge can't hurt.

July 5, 2009

Rain or Something Like it...

Have a terrific start into this week!
Hope your weekend was great, and that you got to celebrate some....for me it meant to go out on Saturday evening for some very delicious red wine and interesting talks, and Sunday was one boring work day. Luckily I had my book with me so I got some entertainment from that. And, yes, I looked into schools, too. A tiny start...at least something. Every day I get reminded how much I miss "home"...just got guests in from Ventura. Oh boy, it so feels like home now. The world has become so incredibly tiny...it's unbelievable.

Picture credits go to www.photobucket.com and chris10af

Sunday Morning Rain Is Falling...Or Not

Took these two pictures last night around 9.30pm while walking over one of our bridges.
The sky was breathtakingly beautiful with dark pink clouds hovering above the city.
My camera was at home but my cellphone managed to take some pictures. I changed the colors in these photos because I felt like it, but the city and its quay still look amazing. Timeless.

Have an outstanding Sunday.
I'll be working again, trying to recover from last night's celebration. No big party was held but I went out with my best friend for some chitchats and red wine. Perfect evening, even though now I'm just tired. Thank you though, girl.


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